i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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