Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I met the friendliest cop last night
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
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