I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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