My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize