He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
