i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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