so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
