Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
