I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Randomize