and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
