I feel like abortions should bother me more
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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