So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
