if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
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