i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
