A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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