:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
