i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
