ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
