his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
