the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
