Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
