My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
