No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
