Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
