Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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