Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
home. puking in laundry basket.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
