They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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