Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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