Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
