New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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