if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
