thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
