Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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