Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Randomize
