Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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