If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
