Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
