I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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