i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize