girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
