he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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