Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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