He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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