Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
