Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
