So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
