Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
This baby is an asshole
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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