I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
