Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I think I won the penis lottery.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
