she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
