I smell stomach acid.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
