So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
