tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
