The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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