Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
