So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Randomize
