I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
only if we run a train.
done.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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