Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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