I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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