he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
