If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
